I have the pleasure of being published by elephant journal again, and you can find the article here. Feel free to read it and pass it along to anyone who you'd think would appreciate it. The first time I was published by elephant journal was back in 2014, and this new article (like the first) is an adapted excerpt from this blog. The original post was written at my one year post-transplant anniversary. This article, To the Girl in the Waiting Room, holds close many of those same words- but I've re-written it a bit from the perspective of my current self: a little over two years out.
With another year under my belt, I was...well, not surprised really, to have a lot in common with the one year old me. I'm still struggling with a lot of the same things. Depression, frustration, etc. What I didn't really expound on in the post (both the original and in the new version) is the real let-down of being "one year out" (now "two years out") and having your expectations of where you should be crushed to pulp. I mean, the sentiment is there I think, as it does have a lot to do with depression and I believe it to be a pretty common feeling among cancer patients. Or anyone, really. We have expectations for ourselves: where we will be, what we will have, what we'll be doing... We have expectations for other people: what they'll do, how they'll treat us, how they'll react to us or a situation. And when the reality sets in and those expectations are not met, it can be crushing. Sometimes its a close miss, other times it's like you're on a different planet. So here I am on Cancer Planet. Yeah...Not the planet I was expecting to be on at 27, definitely not the one I thought I'd be circling the sun on for the last two and a half years. But even on your planet, Cancer Planet not excluded, you develop expectations of how this will go, where you'll be in some amount of time, etc. ...And then a giant meteor comes hurling out of nowhere and there's no Bruce Willis to save you.
Expectations are faulty: when they are unmet, they cause animosity in relationships, they cause self-doubt, fear, depression. And it's not like we can always help it either. So many of our expectations are subconscious, and sometimes they operate entirely in that realm: the subconscious mind builds these expectations, the expectations are not met, and then we're angry, frustrated, sad, upset, pick your adjective, and we may not even realize why.
I've been working to try to peel away my own layers in this respect: to have a deeper understanding of my own emotions in all situations in which I find myself. Sometimes it's difficult to understand- why am I feeling anxious? Why am I having a mental breakdown right now? Why am I angry? It's not always (ha-ha, almost never. Let's be real.) a rational one-to-one ratio of symbolism or set of chain reactions. But I am really trying to 'unpack' as they say, my emotions and try to get to the root source of them. Why am I anxious? I may not be able to go through this mental game while I'm having a panic attack- but maybe after it's over I'll think back and see if I can figure out a trigger, whether exterior or interior, that may have set it off. When I'm angry or frustrated (again, maybe not so much in the moment...work is work is working on it): what is this really about, under the surface? What is the expectation that is not being met? And what can I do about it?
My mother, in her great wisdom, told me long ago that almost every relational problem (people interacting with people: it can be corrosive!) stem from unmet expectations. I have discovered time and time again that this is very true. Whether or not those expectations were conscious, unconscious, rational or irrational... When they are not met, we respond with a negative emotion (again, pick your adjective). And I think, to dig even deeper into this, these problems really come from the fact that we are individuals. We are intrinsically different from each other. There is NO ONE like you. Not one other person who is like you in the entire world. One of my favorite quotes from Carl Sagan (of which there are many) is this:
And this gets at a True thing: each person, with their eccentricities and flaws, is singular. And I think if we really take this idea and honestly hold it in our lives: we will be overcome with awe. Human beings are incredible. They are also incredibly complicated, and our emotions get more complex as we mature and are able to simultaneously exhibit multiple deep-seeded emotions at once. It's a really weird and often irritating thing that we do."If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another."
So, to backtrack here a bit after all that rambling- I'm trying to understand and place myself as a part of this Awe. I disagree with myself all the time. "C'mon body, you stupid stupid lump!" "Seriously, brain? You wanna go there right now?" *insert panic attack* "Are you kidding, muscles? How can you cause so much--AHHHHHHH" (muscle spasm, tears, anguish.)
But I'm gonna let me live. Because in a hundred billion galaxies I will not find another.
This is not meant to appear or manifest as self-love to the point of self-worship. I suppose there's people who struggle with that *cough-Trump-cough* and that's a different thing. I'm talking about the self-hatred that exists within so many. We need to view ourselves and each other as innately precious and individual. And we need to take the time to honor that preciousness by trying to understand ourselves and others better. Our true motives, even if the result is flawed. After the panic or anger or embarrassment subsides, to take a minute to figure out the under-workings going on there. And perhaps, with enough practice, to be able to do this sort of mental exercise in the midst of difficulty: to see ourselves as precious, as the other person (if another is involved) as precious, and act accordingly. To take care of what is precious.
So here's to you, My Precioussss.
No but really.
In other news, anti-depressants can really work. I started a new one on top of the one I was already taking, and it is helping a great deal. I am very pleased to to say so. After a very long time of a hard time, it's nice to have a more steady emotional state. At least, without the increasing depths of the low times. Those haven't been back for a couple weeks.
And I'm going after my goals. I'm writing more, again, as I'd hoped I would. I'm exercising (AKA KICKING MY ASS INTO GEAR OMG) and building muscle and increasing my flexibility. Every morning I wake up (IDK how long this will last; I hope a long time!) and I think: NO STRINGS ON ME. Going after my goals like a mofo. YOU HEAR DAT EXPECTATIONS? But I also know it won't be a constant happy road. I'll hit bumps, plateaus and valleys like anyone else. But I'll let me live. My Precious.
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