happy 2016 from my Depression Unicorn

I've made some resolutions. Actually most of them didn't start as of January 1. I started them last year, but this year I want to see them come to full fruition. My "motto" for 2015 was "Year of Health" and while that was hopeful and starry-eyed, huge portions of that goal started slipping away as the year went on. No.1 I became a skeleton, weighing in at approximately my 7th grade body weight. No.2 My muscle spasms intensified and took over my life. And No.3 The combination of these increasingly serious physical symptoms resulted in possibly my lowest depths of emotional despair, ever. The dream of health seemed to slink away into the night, and I couldn't stop it from going.

At the present moment, though, I feel I can see things more clearly than most of the time; whether it's the espresso talking or not, I don't know, but here we are. I've come up with my motto for 2016: "there are no strings on me" in which I will attempt with great effort to seize opportunities and rid myself of self loathing and doubt.

I haven't held much back in this blog, though the droughts between posts I can tell you are often due to depression and general lack of interest in anything. I also have this feeling that every time I have something to say as of late, it's generally depressing. And I hate myself and I hate myself. And I hate that I am not myself, so much of the time. But the honest capital-T Truth is that I don't feel like a warrior anymore. I absolutely do not say this in any attempt to get reassurance from anyone. It doesn't help much to be told that "You ARE strong" "You're still a fighter" Yeah I'm fighting. I'm fighting but I'm fucking tired of it. I'm sorry to let people down in this mission to be the face of warrior-woman-defeats-cancer-with-smile-on-face. And I know people say "you didn't let us down" and maybe that's true IDK I'm not you. But I feel like I've let myself down. I want to be a fucking warrior but instead I'm worn out. I'm just over it, maxed out, DONE. And it makes it worse that I know other people have harder situations than the one I'm currently facing and they still have smiles on their faces, or at least hope. I'm trying for hope, trying to find it again. I want to believe it's not lost and gone forever. And yeah, people say, "you're still in there, B". B has taken a weird turn down a moody depression alleyway and it's pretty damn dark down here. When people ask how I'm doing, I can't exactly lie. I'm cursed, remember? Instead I weigh my true feeling against the relationship with the person who just asked and decide between frank honesty that usually ends up something like regaling my rampage through the land of misfit toys whist sort-of chuckling, or some vague utterance like: "I'm okay. Sometimes." she said, furrowing her brow and bobbing her head like an overeager dashboard Santa. Either way, still a defeated sad toy in most situations.

But now it's 2016, and we're feelin' good. Sometimes.

Again, it's not all bad. I laugh, sometimes. I had a good Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve. But I'm lackluster fist pumping at a (really sad, as in lame and despondent) pity party. Depression is a barbaric animal. It comes without warning, and even for someone like me who prides herself on being somewhat self-aware it still takes me by storm. And it's also a form of depression that I haven't dealt with before; my depression unicorn. A sadistic, aberrant unicorn... You know it's that thing where you have panic attacks due to the slightest provocation, or at no provocation at all. I'm still learning my triggers, I guess. Just sort of hard to dissect all possible things that could cause said panic attack while in the midst of it. I've dealt with depression for a lot of my life, and I've had anxiety attacks before, but not at this regularity. I also experience this odd sensation of paralysis. It's really hard to describe because it's completely irrational. I know this even when it's happening to me. But sometimes I shut down and curl into a ball on the floor crying for no real reason. Sometimes it correlates with when the sun goes down and BOOM down for the count. Or, I have plans to go out with friends- and even though I really really want to go (and should go, because in all likelihood it would be good for me, an extrovert) I can't seem to make myself leave the house. I sit in my coat with my shoes on, and don't move. Other times it's small movements like getting up off the floor or uncovering my face that I just can't do. I'm at war. Half my brain is telling me to get up GET UP. GET UP. MOVE YOUR ARM. DAMN IT MOVE YOUR LEG. While the other half of my brain, the part responsible for action, apparently, is unplugged and/or unresponsive.

I'm not sitting around doing nothing about it, though. But that has a huge part to do with my parents being supportive and helping me do things like make phone calls. I'm trying to get better. I just don't know how anymore. And I feel really really tired of trying. And I feel like a little shit for feeling that way, when so many people with worse medical conditions would love to switch places. And I wonder why I was given this chance at a new life, shitty as it is right now, when so many others don't. And I should be happy, grateful for this chance. I am grateful. I guess most of the time I just don't know why things happen the way they do. I guess there really isn't a reason.

It's just...recovery is taking way WAAAY longer than I ever was sick. and even though I was told this would take five years out of my life, I guess I didn't really understand what that meant, or I thought it would be different for me because I'm a UNICORN obviously and not 100% human and fallible. I am trying really hard to not let this discourage me, but it does a pretty good job. I'm doing physical therapy and it's usually been empowering. But I'm easily disappointed by this body of mine. I still get winded going up stairs. I'm frustrated that it gets sick so easily, and takes 6x longer to bounce back from anything than the average person. Just as I am finally getting over something I'm sick again already; plus its winter now so it's not even hard. Calling all germs, viruses, bacteria: come at me boys and girls. You love me, apparently.

But I do have goals. I'm trying to hold this year lightly in my hands, to not expect too much from myself. But I also need discipline to reach my goals. Even though they are not complicated in nature; they are complex to achieve and will take effort. But I'm trying to keep "the list" short so I may actually have a chance at accomplishing these for real.

Resolutions for 2016 there are no strings on me
1) Write more. Make this a habitual practice and dedicate time and energy to the discipline.
2) Stretch every day. I'm not kidding, B.
3) Build up dem biddy muscles. See addendum to #2
4) Travel
5) Dance
6) Love thyself, even the icky moments. Because feeling something means you are alive and capable of love.

Goals for 2016 there are no strings on me
1) Expand the knowledge of your craft. Take classes, learn, grow, get into dancing shape
2) Produce art
3) Eyes on the prize: January 2017 Gecko physical theatre masterclass, London.

Let's revisit this in one year from now, shall we? See how we did?

ps. and B, let me re-iterate that last resolution again in case you missed it: Love thyself, even the icky moments. Because feeling something means you are alive and capable of love.