cancer pants

On today’s episode of And Other Things That Have Now Become Weird: dating.

The self-sufficient feminist in me is balking right now, but I’m going to indulge the moment. I mean, I’m fine, I can get along, have for a while now. It just would have been nice, you know? Just one more thing that is now riotously weird. But my support system of family and friends is way better and more diverse and awesome than any boyfriend could ever be, maybe.

It’s just, before this whole shebang began, I had arrived in a place where I felt I could actually, safely, constructively handle the concept of a relationship. The Big Girl Bekah Pants had arrived (paid for via years of singledom) and I finally felt like a fairly solid, dateable human. But somewhere along the line there, the order got screwed up-- and instead of Big Girl Bekah Pants from the Dateable Summer Collection: I got Big Girl Bekah Pants, Cancer Collection. Cancer Pants. Real life sometimes hands you cancer pants.

Nobody wants this baggage, though. Granted, it’s a lot to ask. Get-to-know-you small talk? Hilarious. Soon I’ll lose my hair, and it’ll be impossible to not name that elephant.  I said it before I even heard Tig say it in her set…What, serious inquires only? I already dread any moment of talking about anything in my current life, because it’s all this. And I’m trying—really trying to think of other things, trying to imagine my life before or a future without. It’s pretty consuming right now. “What are you up to these days?” Cancer. Cancer is what I’m up to these days. I don’t really have anything else going on right now... Just these hideous pants, and maybe also I’ll put on this pair of taunting red shoes. 

I dream of the day this is not all-consuming, of not being the sick girl who can turn into the Debbie Downer of any gathering at nary a moment’s notice, of doing things other than laboring to schedule a wimpy life around doctor appointments. Perhaps the day is nigh. For now, a girl dancing in pants I will be.

well anyway, as a wise woman once asked and answered: who run the world? GIRLS.