Day 21: remember.

Today it has been proven once again that the world is a beautiful thing. And it seems these spurts of excellence always arrive when I need the reminder. Even though I am home now. HOME, for two days (they feel like weeks already! AH HELP)! And I know it's so so much better than a hospital room! I still find myself in low times and spirits. Today, when I woke up resentful and sad and done with all this. I was overwhelmed with this mean thing, cancer: even after all these months that've passed. Even though its somehow, unbelievably, integrated itself to be an otherwise commonplace part my life. If you can believe that. It's just what I do now: I spend a lot of time in hospitals and alone, and I flush my Hickman lines and have no hair. Now my eyelashes are mostly gone too. I've been holding it together; been able to find the attitude I want to have. Living out joy in the middle of this just shit travail. But I feel my strength fading. This morning I felt I couldn't do it anymore. All my joints ached. There's a constant metallic taste in my mouth. I feel trapped, secluded. I spend more time than I probably should staring at myself in a mirror. My skin looks a strange color, chest bruised and scarred from lines put in and taken out, eyes red and puffy, lips pale and indistinct. I look...sick. I look sick. Even when I don't feel too bad, my body is there to remind me. Every so often it makes it hard to breathe for a while--as I beat through the thing to try to see straight again: that this earth is delightful, prepossessing, a surprise, magnificent. And that this world is tread by truly compassionate human beings.

Today my sister happened to start up a conversation with an employee at Trader Joe's (not unheard of, they're the nicest employees ever) while she was searching high and low for my odd grocery requests (I have high maintenance grocery needs, apparently), and after fifteen or so minutes of just casual talk, helping my sister to find the things they actually carried--the subject of our story came up. That I have cancer, and Marie's taken a year off of school and moved up here to live with me and be my caretaker. When put like that, it's not one you hear every day, I suppose. This lovely girl helped Marie find everything she needed, and then insisted upon paying for all of the groceries. This woman, never having met Marie before (or me at all), is so caring and kind and generous that she bought almost $50 of groceries for us today. What kindness, what goodness! Look at what the world has to offer! I am blown away. So this is a thank you to you, Sarah.

I would also like to thank Trader Joe's on the big stage because this is not the first time they have given such kindness. A cashier at a different branch gave my mother candy to bring to me in the hospital. WHAT? Traders is doing something right. The world is doing something right.

So I can't forget. I will force myself to remember. Even days when I feel trapped and shitty and fat and green and puffy and sore. People are so full of love and beauty it's stupid. And karma is real. You give love and you get love in return, I really believe it. I'm holding as much of the world as I can muster in the Light right now, and I feel so much more at peace. Love. is healing.

Day 12: waterpark sausages and superpowers

Without fail, I have now woken up between the 15^th and 19^th minute of every evening and morning hour for the past three days. I was at a loss as to how this could possibly be so regulated, but then I remembered that I have magic coursing through (or maybe, camping in) my veins. 

I am currently experiencing the joys of both esophagitis and mucositus, which leaves my throat in shreds and my mouth watering constantly—which, if I permit myself to swallow (or more likely, Autopilot compels or Gag Reflex demands) feels like a sloppy ninja with a sharp knife. This often ends with acute nausea, not to mention the intense pain, so I’ve stopped swallowing altogether. They’ve given me one of those spit things from the dentist, Mr. Sucky (aka Mr. Thirsty) that, as gross as it sounds and most certainly is, is helping tremendously. So, if you hear something akin to the guttural groaning of Frankenstein’s monster, followed by disgusting sucking noises: it’s probably just me, flailing in my own saliva. oh joys abound. And if you like this flowery description, you’re gonna love what’s coming next!

I am Bloated Sausage Girl today. The newest superuseless superpower: the ability to bloat parts of your body at will. Because I can’t drink anything (or eat anything, but drinking is the most desired thing right now, SO THIRSTY) they have me on lots of extra IV fluids to keep me hydrated (STILL SO THIRSTY). However, my body doesn’t know what to do with all the extra fluid. So instead of being a pal and quenching my thirst, it’s decided to be a jerk and make my fingers and toes and legs the unwilling recipients. Yes, I did always think my hands looked like water balloons FILL ‘EM UP.

My nurse keeps telling me that I am doing better than most other patients, some of whom are bedridden for many days and are not as active as I have remained. You don’t realize how big of a deal showering actually is until it’s the highlight of your day… She also keeps reminding me that all will return to normal, eventually. Until then I will continue to be so thirsty, and dryyyy, and bloaty, and also hungry because I haven’t eaten in two days. But for some reason it’s the thirst that’s getting to me. Mr. Thirsty and I have a lot to talk about. Food? Forget it, gimme the water.